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Yeah, but. . .

Have you ever engaged in a conversation only to find the
other person disagreeing with you? I have, many times. It
seems like there is something wrong with being agreeable,
something that weakens our personal power.

Often the disagreement is on a minor point of no
consequence. Yet, it is a challenge of who is right and who
is wrong. Must there always be opposing opinions?

When a sales person wants to make a sale, one of the first
things they do is find a point upon which they can agree
with the potential client. It may be something they can
compliment the prospect about. “I see you were president
of an international organization! That must have been quite
an experience! Congratulations.” The idea is to be congenial
and try to find common ground. Why not in our personal
conversations, too?

If you want to form a relationship of any sort, look for points of
agreement. There is no need to be manipulative, just address
points of agreement before injecting the points on which you
differ. When you build rapport first, your point of view is
more likely to be heard and seriously considered.

Syndey J. Harris, the columnist, once wrote: “Thomas
Aquinas, who knew more about education and persuasion than
almost anybody who ever lived, once said that when you want
to convert someone to your view, you go over to where he (or
she) is standing, take him by the hand (mentally speaking),
and guide them. You don’t stand across the room and shout at
him; you don’t call him a dummy; you don’t order him to come
over to where you are. You start where he is, and work from
that position. That’s the only way to get him to budge.”
(How to Get People to Do Things by Robert Conklin)

People are persuaded by emotions not intellect. So when you
want them to say “Yes,” talk to their emotions–gently,
patiently, with empathy. Put yourself in their position and
look for a positive outcome.

“Lincoln wrote for the ear. Most politicians and academics write for the eye. Lincoln often spoke or whispered out loud before putting his Faber pencil to paper. He was fascinated by the sound of words. . . . even his written communications…
“Lincoln’s pattern was to speak or read his addresses slowly. The average person speaks at about 150 or 160 words per minute. Lincoln spoke 105 to 110 words per minute. His lower speed was an aid to hearers, especially in an outdoor environment without the aid of the technology of loudspeakers.”

Do those few words and thoughts excite you to learn more about Lincoln’s eloquent manner of speaking and writing? Then, I would recommend THE ELOQUENT PRESIDENT, A Portrait of Lincoln Through His Words, by Ronald C. White, Jr. {New York: Random House, 2005).

Do you need further encouragement to read this book? How about these questions posed by the author: How did Lincoln, a person with so little formal education become our most eloquent president? Why did he often stumble when attempting to speak extemporaneously? What were his habits and methods of writing speeches? How did Lincoln develop his rhetorical skills? To find the answers to these questions, among others, you’ll have to read the book.

Recently I was asked to present a communication seminar for a singles group. The activities leader planned many interesting events, but noted that the group just didn’t seem to develop rapport with one another.

During the course of the seminar, I asked the group what were their greatest communication challenges. Here’s what I learned.

1. Starting a conversation where there is no anticipated agenda.
2. Making friends on a group trip.
3. To be less out there asking for phone numbers.
4. Knowing someone else listens to me.
5. Covering up my discomforts by attacking rather than asking for a change.
6. Trying to maintain a conversation with someone who only gives short, one word answers. Can’t draw them out.
7. Expressing myself thru writing.

MOST ANNOYING: People who talk constantly, ask questions, and don’t wait for an answer.

Perhaps you can relate to some of these these challenges, whether or not you are single. In the coming days, I’ll discuss these challenges and provide some tips to overcome them. In the meantime, if you have personally found yourself facing these challenges and want to comment on how you overcame them, please use the comment button.
Thanks.

While I was working in one of the Disaster Relief Centers following Hurricane Katrina, a young woman approached me in the hallway. She faced me squarely and asked me a question. I know she asked me a question because she paused and looked at me expectantly. I had no idea what she said so I smiled and asked her to repeat it. She did and I tried really hard to listen and read her lips. Her lips barely moved, her voice was a low monotone. Her eye contact was great! She expected an answer. That was clear. I had no clue what the young woman wanted and my eyes were searching for some help. She was getting a little impatient with me and shortened her message. She caught a clump of hair in her hands as she continued to listen for an answer. Body language! Finally, I had a clue. I sent her to the room where personal care products were available. She seemed satisfied.

There could be many different reasons the woman did not speak more distinctly. She had apparently been through a lot to be here in a strange city with thousands of other people in a huge building. Under ordinary circumstances, if I were coaching her, I would begin by recommending

1. Some exercises to improve her articulation–exercises that would have her opening her mouth wider, exaggerating her lip, tongue, and jaw movements.
2. I would ask her to speak louder and enunciate her words more carefully.
3. I would also give her positive feedback on her use of nonverbal language.

And, I would probably give her a copy of my book 101 Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills Instantly.

How would you communicate with loved ones in an emergency
Situation? The Homeland Security web site offers a “Family
Communication Plan.” I recommend that you download it and add a caution to remain calm.
Modify it to suit your purposes, including what to do when telephones and electricity are not available. Fill in the blanks and print out the forms. Then exercise the plan—practice to be sure that family members know what to do. Review the plan and keep it current. It could save days of searching after an emergency.

Harry S. Truman, DTM, IPDG, handed me a citation, a Toastmasters International Presidential Citation onjust before I dashed off to Kelly USA. Harry had accepted the citation on my behalf at the International Convention in Toronto, Canada. The citation is for “outstanding contributions to Toastmasters International and its program of Communication and Leadership.” I am very grateful for this high honor presented by Toastmasters International President, Jon R. Greiner, DTM, Immediate Past International President.

Toastmasters International, as you may know, is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving oral communication and leadership skills. It has over 200,000 members in countries around the world.

Harry Truman, yes that’s his REAL name, is the Immediate Past District Governor of Distinguished District 55 where I am now a member of the Audie’s Orators Toastmasters Club at the Audie Murphy VA Hospital.
When I joined Toastmasters I was terrified of speaking in public and had actually frozen on one embarrassing occasion! To see why I’m still a Toastmaster, click here

I found him! George Scott, Jr. and I go back a long way. We were Toastmasters in District 27 in the late 80’s and early 90’s. He was dedicated and could always liven up a group. George retired a few years ago and he and Margaret, his wife, moved back to New Orleans and opened a Bed and Breakfast.

I sent George an email–it was returned–old address. I called Toastmasters International to see if they had word. Nothing. I sent an email to the address they had. It came back–out-of-date. I contacted the current leaders in the Washington, DC area–our old stomping grounds. Nothing. I dialed his phone numbers The home phone rang and rang–no answer. Of course, not. They either got out early or were in an evacuee center somewhere. I dialed his business number and it was not in service. I searched the msnbc.com “saved” list. Nothing. Then I posted his and Margaret’s names on the “looking for someone” list.

I was getting more and more worried. George is a good guy. He would help anyone he could and I was afraid that goodness might have gotten him into a situation he couldn’t free himself from. I thought of contacting law enforcement in the area–well, I was getting desperate. I began to look for a photo to post on the web and then I thought I’d try his phone again. Home phone: No answer. Business phone: “Hello.” I almost fell out of my chair!
“George–is that you George?” “Yes ?” This is Jo!”

He and Margaret left New Orlens early Sunday morning. George had been working out of town and returned with barely enough time to get ready and get on the road. I later called him back to see what magic he had worked to get his business phone working. “Nothing to it, Jo. The business number is my cell phone and I had the phone company reroute it to Monroe, LA.”

Some time ago I read an article in the “Beverly Hills Chronicle” about a movement to stop gossip. What an incredible idea! About the same time, the “Los Angeles Times” ran an article titled “Anti-Gossip Drive Goes from Whisper to Roar.” The premise is that if we stop cutting each other down, saying mean things, and gossiping, we will develop into a more civil society. Rabbi Chaim Feld of University Heights, Ohio, and several associates hope his message that “words can heal” will become a national mantra. Endorsers include Tom Cruise, Goldie Hawn, and Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), according to the article. Rabbi Feld has taught classes on the value of ethical speech and mutual respect. Think what such a class could do for our politicians! The Rabbi also coauthored a book, “The Words Can Heal Handbook: How Changing Your Words Can Transform Your Life and the Lives of Others.”

In our book, 101 Ways to Improve Your Communication Skills Instantly, 4th Edition,” we advise, “Avoid words that hurt.” If a situation must be corrected, phrase your criticism to include something positive along with specific suggestions for improvement. Don’t get personal. Address the behavior or attitude of a person. Do not attack their worth as a person. Avoid embarrassing other people. A measure of one’s stature is consideration for others. You’ll be hearing more about Rabbi Feld’s campaign. Why not join in?

Brain Cramp September 3, 2005

Take Charge Success Strategies newsletter is overdue. My brain is stuck on the scenes of the refugees on television and my experience in the disaster relief center at Kelly USA yesterday. I’ve tried to concentrate on other things, but like a gyroscope, my mind continues to drift back. It’s a long weekend and surely, the refugees have more pressing needs. I will return to work at least one more day in the center and donate copies of Take Charge of Your Life. As the days wear on and people look for a new beginning, the principles in that book will be very useful.